The Things He's Given Me
by Colt401
Summary: Just before Gyze takes over, Kazuma reflects on the things that Chrono has given to him. TRIGGER WARNING: DEPRESSION


**Oops am I too late to the angst party for Kazuma?**

 **Disclaimer: not mine!**

 **Read and Review!**

 **Warning: Some parts may be triggering for people with depression so please be careful!**

* * *

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

All he wanted to do was pay Shindou back.

How did it end up like this?

* * *

He remembers it clearly, that dark feeling in the core of his being. He remembers it sucking the colour out of his life, leaving everything gray and uninteresting. He remembers the days where it ruled over him, the way it made everything seem like a waste of time unless there was some benefit.

How boring his life was then.

But what did he have to look forward to? His "friends" didn't go to his school, his mother was at work, and his brother…

His brother was far better than anything he would ever be and everyone knew it.

Everyone knew it and no one cared if he did too.

After all, what use was the second place when you had the first?

So he was fine with how boring his life was. Really, he was.

Really.

It was a miracle that he had decided to get over everything, really. A one in a million chance. He just wanted to remember what it had felt like to care _and not feel so empty inside_. Just one last look. So he opened that drawer, the one that he had closed away all those years ago. The one that had made him truly realize how utterly _worthless_ he was in comparison to his brother.

He walked faster to that cardshop than he had to anything in a long time.

He remembers Shindou. Bright and happy Shindou. God he'd never met somebody so _bright_.

He remembers fighting Shindou. He remembers smiling. He pauses.

When was the last time he did that?

He remembers having _fun_.

But god, he's looking at his cards and Shindou's and knows immediately that he can't measure up, god why did he ever think he could do this, and he tilts his head up and quits.

Shindou's face was certainly something.

It's true, he knows he can't win and that's terrifying, but mostly, he's just scared of what he's feeling.

They chase him down and ask him to join their team.

It's annoying, but he's mostly just confused.

Why are they trying so hard to befriend him?

Him, who's never good enough.

He tries to cut them off and he can tell that Shindou is upset but it's easier for him to part on his own terms than for them to kick him out when he inevitably disappoints them.

Of course, Shindou gets kidnapped looking for him, and all he can think is _it's my fault, oh my god, it's all my fault._

 _UselessworthlesswasteofspacenotgoodenoughnotgoodenoughNOTGOODENOUGH_

He fights and wins and feels something warm blooming in his chest.

Shindou believes in him.

Shindou _believes_ in him.

He wants to cry with relief. Maybe he's not as useless as he thought.

 ** _HOPE._**

* * *

He fights on Team Striders and wins and loses.

He wins and loses and isn't immediately swept up into memories of worthlessness.

He feels warm standing next to Shindou and Taiyou.

God, he wants to bask in this warmth forever.

 ** _FRIENDS._**

* * *

He fights his brother.

And loses spectacularly.

Why did he think he could do this?

* * *

The sick feeling in his chest is back.

* * *

He hears Shindou talking about winning the U20, but there's a thick fog in his head and he can't bring himself to focus on what Shindou's saying.

So he leaves.

He fights his brot—Shiranui again.

He loses, again.

But it's ok.

Somehow, this time it's ok.

Maybe it's because he knows that he fought as best as he could. Maybe it's because he has Shindou and Taiyou at his back this time. Maybe it's a million other things, but the only thing he can focus on is that he's not alone and that's something he takes comfort in.

Shindou wins, because of course he does. Shindou is strong and brought his brother back and he feels happier than he ever remembers.

 ** _FAMILY._**

* * *

Kazumi instantly knows that he's doing better than he ever has. He hasn't had that sick feeling in his chest in a long time.

He smiles and it feels real and genuine.

He has so much to live for.

 ** _PEACE._**

* * *

The enemies are after Shindou. He thinks that maybe he can finally do something back for the boy who gave him everything. He's just been taking and taking and taking and sometimes, in the darkest corners of his mind, he wonders when Shindou will get sick of him taking advantage like that.

So he tries to be better.

He tries to look for them when they disappear and he tries to protect him from the Apostles when they come looking for him.

He fights Chaos Breaker to keep him away from Shindou and does pretty well. He feels good about this fight.

And then the mark burns itself onto his hand.

Suddenly this fight isn't just about Shindou. It's about him too.

He wonders if his life is just a huge joke.

 ** _PURPOSE._**

* * *

The Star Gate Zeroth Dragon comes.

He uses his cards sparingly, guarding for the bare minimum, but it's all he can do because he _has to win this fight_.

 _He can't afford to lose here._

But Chaos Breaker pulls the trigger it needs and he loses the game and oh god, it's not enough, why is he _never enough?!_

He doesn't want to let Shindou down like this.

He feels Gyze in his body. Black is seeping through his vision and into his soul. Everything is cracking and splintering at the edges and he desperately hangs on to the brittle hope that he's learned to keep close to him.

 _Even if you steal my body, there's no way you'll never beat him_ , he vows to the deity taking his body. _Right? That's right, isn't it, Chrono?_

 _Help me_ , he screams silently, in the depths of his own mind, just as everything goes blessedly silent.

He feels tired all of a sudden, so he closes his eyes and sleeps.

 ** _SALVATION._**

* * *

 **...thoughts?**


End file.
